10 Years from Now


So, I know I am usually all positivity, sunshine & rainbows flying out of my ass… but I have had some experiences in the last half year or so that have me in a troubled and questioning place.  I always promised myself that when I started this blog I would be honest about my experiences… even if they may cast me in a not-so-great light – or show that all is not hunky-dory with my career.  This is difficult, as it is partially the actor’s job to make it seem as if all is going gangbusters at all times, lest you seem like you may be not as successful – and desperate.  That is why you can be looking at a fellow actor’s Facebook page and assume that they are just constantly busy, but when you bump into them at the coffee shop they usually confide, “Yeah, actually it’s been…

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Back Roads and Butterflies 


Hiding out in the nine to five, holding on, barley alive..

I wish you could save me.

These city streets always seem so cold, this glass and steel never feels like home

I picture you at my window. I want to fly away.

I want to go back to the time when the only pain in our lives, was the kind that aches in your side when you laugh. Drifting like clouds in the sky, before the world lost it’s shine, 

Back the back roads and butterflies.
*Peeling back the layers of the passing days, I can almost see the image of your face… snapshot memory, reaching out through time and space.Was that a lifetime ago?*

I wear a mask so no one knows that I am not just what they suppose.

Could the mask be falling?

I fight the tears as I turn away and go back to the…

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Hello Darkness my old friend…

Sunshine Diaries: Underneath


Hello darkness my old friend, I’ve come to talk with you again.

Sometimes I feel as if I’m alone in the dark. Surrounded by nothing but complete agony and pain. I feel the heart ache swell underneath my skin and the tears drown my eyes as I sob uncontrollably unable to stop or to breathe. It comes and goes this blanket of darkness as certain things trigger my emotions.


Such as being alone. Everyone says well you’re not alone and I myself have said it to many people and in a way no, you aren’t ever alone because there are people who are there for you and are willing to listen. But not always are there people there to love. Not the kind of love one needs. Someone special, someone to hold, someone to wipe these hot tears away. I am so happy for those who have someone special in…

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Normal Song

Sunshine Diaries: Underneath


“Hold my hand
I am afraid
Please pray for me
When I am away

Comfort the girl
Help her understand
No memory
No matter how sad
And no violence
No matter how bad
Can darken the heart
Or tear it apart

Take my hand
When you are scared
And I will pray
If you go back out there
Comfort the man
Help him understand
That no floating sheet
No matter how haunting
And no secret
No matter how nasty
Can poison your voice
Or keep you from joy”

By Perfume Genius “NORMAL SONG”

So much has happened this last month. So much that its hard to even comprehend all the emotions, all the tears, laughs and internal screams. The emotions are never ending. I see them in everything. Every random person on the street, every customer I wait on at work. All the books I read and films I see…

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Florence Nightingale

Ryan Edwards Songbook

Oh Florence. As in Florence from the “Machine”. What a woman. I know nothing of her, other than the soaring, powerful voice, the lyrics that partner that power, and the fact that she looks to be a bit beautiful.

Then THAT video. The one where she sings to a young woman in a hospice. The one where she sings from her heart to that girl, not doing a little rendition, but doing Dog Days Are Over like it was meant to be done. And that brave young lady who seemed to forget her world for a moment and just become a girl at an amazing concert, putting in a request, clapping along, loving it.

Here I am, in my own little world, wondering about whether I might do this or that, whether I should put a song out or not, gazing so deeply at my lint-filled navel – and then…

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For Now…

Sunshine Diaries: Underneath


Sometimes I have moments where I completely lose myself. My shine trickles out through my eyes. I lose my thoughts, my feelings, my goals, and my sanity. Sometimes I feel so broken that I fear I’ll never actually heal again. The p9eces are broken beyond repair. Sometimes I hurt those around me more than I hurt myself. It hurts like hell upon reflection. I in return hate myself, hate who I am. Why say that? Why act that way? I don’t know. It was easier when I was a child. I was naive and hadn’t learned to think of others feelings before my own. I remember how selfish I was and still am today. Maybe that’s a good trait in some aspects of life, but not everything. I try not to be. Apparently it’s never enough. I’ve come to realize that everything is not enough. I am finally learning that…

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Tidal Wave


It hit me, over again and over. Realizations, the pain, the disgust. It knocks out your breath and drowns you with all consuming insight. Things you don’t want to know, want to feel. I’m talking about the human condition.

Overlooking people’s darkness and giving them the chance to see true light. Hoping on their own they would want to show their light, assuming first there is anything to show.  But my assumptions have been way off.

The total disappointment from so many, one after another after another. Hope becomes hopeless. I see no light in anyone anymore. I’m done giving mine away so freely. Every time you share your inner light it comes back blackened worse than before. This is why the disgust. You’ve seen too much darkness in people to believe there is light in anyone.

You start to question your own light, doubting its mere existence. Have I…

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Love is…

Sunshine Diaries: Underneath


All this time
The Sun never says to the Earth,

“You owe me.”

What happens
With a love like that,
It lights the whole sky.”
— Hafiz


Its one of those nights tonight, where my mind is wandering around in vacant spots that have no meaning, yet I find myself trying to find what it is. This last month has been the longest month that I can recall in a very long time. The days seemed to pass by quickly yet the time dragged on. I am eight pounds down within two weeks now, which is a good start. I wish I could say that my strength has been top notch and my heart brave and eager to devote all its time to this, but sadly no. I keep crying. I keep feeling that emptiness inside of me. The little voice of doubt, which screams into my…

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A Fresh Start

Sunshine Diaries: Underneath

“To live is the rarest thing in the world. Most people exist, that is all.” -Oscar Wilde


I’m writing this blog as way for me to express my emotion and my thoughts for these past few months. Life has not gone the way I have wanted it to. No one every plans for things to go badly, no one ever plans to lose someone they care about and no one ever plans to make drastic changes that would change the course of their life entirely. Honesty is key within these words I write and in my truth I must say that I have gone from bad to worse to destructive. My heart is broken in more places than I can count. I am lonely, I am sad, I am broke, I am tired and frankly exhausted of picking myself up after each time I fall. It would be so easy…

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The Lady

The Written Delights Of The Peach Poet

Dresses and pearls
Stockings and lace
Silk fabric and curls
The Lady fits her place.

Beneath all the rich finery
Hidden deep within her eyes
Is a woman wanting something
That she left far behind.

Though her life is different
Then she ever thought it would be
Inside lives the young girl
Who was once brave, wild and free.

You see her as a Lady
One of beauty and grace
She’s elegant, sweet and kind
A smile always on her face.

Someone knew her long ago
When her eyes were alight
A fire burned in her
Even the Sun thought was bright.

Her light was a beacon
That drew many to her flame
And I was the willing moth
That was ready to play the game.

Her love was strong and wild
Perfect was her place
Always her open arms surrounded me
Between us there was no space

Love like…

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